Maybe it?

He whom love touches not walks in darkness. —Plato
Plato dear tell me more, i am writing a book on all my loves, never been the same and more passionate. Would you love to read the book called "Maybe it?"

Maybe it- some things you just don't question. Every girls fist love 'dad and guy' determines how she later responds to every other man. Love is an illusion until it meets reality and the realities of its existence! I remember my loves just as much as the trials of my life and tribulations of my heart and say "HELLO, I found myself in you"! I keep my muses alive! They inspire me! Love can be bitter sweet! I throw the bitter and leave the sweet! Love and Loving has mended my heart! Love can make a stone cry! I loved every one to the fullest before I met the realities of their hearts and the circumstances of life's environment!

I became aware of the feeling "state of heart" and the demands I posed on love ''state of mind"! First when I was 12! A guy came up to me and said in his broken Russian english "I love you" I said are you joking "Ti shutish"? He left to the guys that dared him he couldn't say that to any gal because they viewed him as a geek! He didn't know how handsome he really was hence he never believed he could be liked by any gal! He was an "A" student and his classmates teased him so they picked the only different gal "Mixed" that was in that school. I hail thee 178 school in Tashkent, the city of my birth! He was in class 10, I was in class 7! His name was Alex!

I went back into my literature class where on that faithful day we were exploring Alex Pushkin the great Russian poet who was also mixed like me! Coincidence? Well it didn't help me! In my mind I couldn't comprehend what did he see in me that would make him say he loved me! Was he watching me all this time? I was teased in school for being bigger than my average peer! I was always just as tall as the 10th grade kids at 7th grade! I wasn't aware much of myself as a gal until that moment! Many would call me to protect them from bullies but never knew that a gentle giant had a heart that got disturbed by a simple "I LOVE YOU"! I started seeing the world different even more!

I would dream about him until I had the courage to ask him for his phone number! He gave me! Probably feeling guilty that he disturbed my world, could be probable that he himself became aware what that word he uttered can do to someone and what he is now responsible for! He felt Guilt, I gave Love! He was a lovely guy and he still is! I dreamt of him and I walking in the park, no holding hands, just walking by, side by side! Nothing more or less! I wasn't aware that kisses existed let alone hugs!

I got his phone from him, I wasn't afraid of rejection because I never experienced that before! I called everyday for about 2 weeks asking him if he would come see me! He declined giving one reason or the other. He didn't know the personality behind the face he said i love you to. He had a little brother who was in the same class as my little bro. They were always around me being a nuisance, probably using me as a shield from the bullies. I made friends with his little bro. Amazing to what lengths infatuation can make one go. He brought me to his home, i guess it was a surprise for him. That's all i needed i guess to understand more "why did he say that word" and my infatuated dreams came true. He took me back home we walked and talked through the park, sweet nothings and then he said "Alsu you and i are not mates and i am sorry for playing with your heart". I said it was ok, although i didn't understand. I guess he was honest and i accepted, it was fine and it didn't feel like rejection. I moved on but until he graduated all i did was watch him pass by in school, feeling elated when he gave me a smile. We used to meet in breaks and have laughs, we became friends. I am sure Elena remembers me then.

My next was at 14 when i first went to a dance club. I stood there in my "H2O" dress my dad brought for me from Japan! Which i think my little sis Sasha inherited. Talk about passing on your heart to the next generation of women, oh i had schooled her about how not to dream a lot.
He bent his head and had this look that said to me, "who's that girl"? He was a sports guy, so big and yet could dance MC Hammer like he was him. I got to love dancing because of him, although as an African it is a natural instinct to have the beat he amazed me with his moves. He later told me he wasn't interested in me as a gal but only as a good friend. Again i wasn't fully aware of anything. Why would guys prefer to be just friends with me? I didn't question it, I let it be; "friends you say? Thats fine"! So long as it allows me to be around him. It kept my muse enough to save his ass in being deceived about getting another gal pregnant for him. His guys told him "if Alsu hears about this she will kill you both." Well not exactly but the feeling i had for him made me want to help him. I found out that it was a lie by talking to the gal and make her understand that it wasn't right to keep a guy by deceiving him. I still don't believe it is right to hold a guy with pregnancy. If it happens and you cant get him to understand that you were open enough to let him in, then leave him be. I wish many knew that only a woman that has that feeling is stupid enough in love to take in. She is not thinking of protecting herself, she gave all of herself in passion and then rejection kicks in.

My next 2 was at 15, bad boys but then i guess i was fed up with just being a friend and holding all the brewing fire within me. A kiss and another hmmmmmm. When it happened i hid from dad in fear that he would know. I became ashamed of being happy that i finally got rid of that thing that made me wonder was it because i was black in a white mans land, that the boys were afraid i am an alien? Being in an extreme environment when you are the only type of person and everyone is looking at you with interest, you don't know that that's cos you are of a different skin. Yeah you were alien to them. Nigeria isn't different either. In one place they reject you, in another you are fully taken in but used. Talk about extremes. At 18 i realised it didn't matter whether you were black, white, coloured or thin. You are a gal and that is him. Listen dads, its time for reality to kick in, your gals are losing their virginity at 15. Most volatile age, don't know if you can stop it except you lock her in. I was a stubborn head but who did i take it from? I am not ashamed cos it happened for LOVE, although i didn't understand then what does it really mean. How many do understand the word love? "Innocence' having no ulterior motive other than to give and share." My quest now is not to understand cos i know it; i felt it and gave it but did i get "the greatest thing called love, to be given in return?! I said long time ago at 19 that i would give regardless "COME WHAT MAY!"

MAY the birth of spring. 19, 19, 19. The age. Another leap and down the tunnel, never after this the same. I fell in love again. This time with my childhood friend, we became one under 2pac. Raised hell in the bedroom. I let it be as it felt;  crazy, held nothing back and so was he but reality kicked in. He was sent on to school where i couldn't reach him and i was in exile for 4 years waiting 'would he come back for me?" should i go to him? No he didn't, he couldn't, he had to finish school but then gossip he has moved in with another. Oh dear, my childhood dream gone. How can i cut him off because we are bond by family ties since we were 5. I got a call 'i am leaving Benin." "Why? because my parents said it is my responsibility, we have to be sensible". I was in Kaduna he was in Benin. "When are you leaving? In 3 days, "'Shit, i don't even have time to say good bye. "Why didn't you tell me before this, while you were planing to leave"? "Alsu you know how Nigeria is, you don't really know when you will get a visa". I rush, I pack my bag and gave a lie to my parents that i had pressing matters. My boss is calling everyone early back in, cutting short his vacation for a job, i have to go back to Benin. I came and straight into his house i went. I was mute, my heart was mute, i couldn't scream. "Why you, now that i have found you". Why do you all want to take him. Don't go my heart, i only have you. For 3 days we walked around each other unable to explain the pain, we couldn't even be vain. I looked at his mum, she smiled but she didn't understand. For her it was important to be a parent, love can wait. I had to submit again, and this time to life. We went to Lagos, spent the last night. We drove his little brother out of the room. Held each other and didn't even realise how anguished our hearts were, we slept of without sharing each other. We woke up still in each others hands "Good morning." A broken smile from a broken heart. The plane is in 5 hrs; I didn't pack his bags, i couldn't. I still don't pack when i travel because i am afraid that he wouldn't come back.

At the airport, his little bro is trying to cheer us up by being silly. Small talks don't still stormy waters. He looks at me, i look at him, he turns away but i couldn't, keeping every moment. In my prayers "keep him with me".  Now its time he has to pass through the border, i am at my border saying good bye, we couldn't even kiss, we were shy in public. He was gone and i was broken. His uncle took me back to Benin. On the way from the airport i saw a corpse that we had grown used to seeing on our Lagos highway roads. I could identify with him. "Road Kill" i said to myself. How long will this continue? How long can i continue to give in and out with me? I came home to Benin, i opened my door. The room was never the same. I cried that night like once before. I couldn't believe, my life seemed gone with the wind. I remembered the Scarlet vow to never starve and if she was to kill, she would find a way to live with the kill. I was dead to the world, i shut down.

I picked myself up. I said to myself "you will not find me in stagnant waters, where you left me!" This didn't happen in one day. I waited for every letter. I got one that said "lets try and make amends, you have a life while i am away and then when we meet, we will start over again". I asked myself "am i a prisoner for him to decide when to release me"? No i held on to the dream. I moved towns just to forget him but not aware i was looking for a way to get close to him. Lagos the faithful town that took him or was it Benin? Life and its trials. One love so many lives entangled within.

Don't toy with a woman's heart! Or did she toy with hers?
An African woman does feel. Her Love is powerful beyond measure. It raises those who fall. Above all obstacles. To be continued..............what happened 10years later? Did i find him and bring them all back? I loved you even when i didn't know you!

Our movie, publishing industry is blind and daft to what goes on on its soil.