Whole Hearted!

Sometimes i get into a funny mood and can see in a motivational quote something that defeats me; in this case it was the picture that killed the statement for me. Next to the following was a picture of a sports man who plays American football:

I get hit, I get up.
I get hit, I get up.
I get hit, I get up.
I get hit, I get up.
I get hit, I get up...
GET KNOCKED DOWN 7 TIMES GET UP 8

My mind simply said: if i get paid  to fall down a million times i will rise a million and ten times.

There are just certain things that sports men or women shouldn't do thats use sports for motivational speeches. Sport is about Strategy and tactics and not for tact preaching. American football is an aggressive sport even if one is padded. I have nothing against the sport in fact i find it more interesting than soccer although i am more of a basket ball fan.

Doing the bidding always!

Sometimes people ask me, "where do i begin identifying who i am and being who i am". I say, usually the simplest and complex way to do it is go through your zodiac sign generic description. Its a way of mirroing your image. Astrology to me in part helps identify types of characters and not necessarily an exact description of a person as a lot of factors influence character, and i surely hope that it is you who shape you rather than everyone doing the bidding always.

Lets take for instance me. I am a scorpio by sign. I started to get interested in my sign when i was 12. Reason for this was that i had a nasty aunt who tried to set an image of me of the negative scorpion. Mostly at a latter age in my life implying that i was sex driven; well, i was 16 and she was 23 years of age and in her prime years seeking for suitors to marry but unsuccessfully, while she saw around me fellows her age but i was just friends with them. In the bid to pull some attention to herself she painted me as black "which was a projection of her inner desire to be wanted".

You see, i saw myself from the positive side to the description of the sign.

• Characteristics of those born under Scorpio include; focused, emotionally sensitive, complex, determined, and charismatic. 

While she saw me through herself from the negative side.

• Scorpios are also known to have less flattering characteristics like being stubborn, cruelty, jealousness, possessive, and moments of extremity.

and the more she did the less attractive her example of me through herself became.

There are loads of books on zodiac signs and in all i see similarities but i also see added qualities. Something that a few mentioned was foresight. This is something that many around me weren't aware of that i had. I am likely to do or use the strangest ways to avert disaster happening in other peoples lives but could never do that for myself. Its almost as though i would put on their dirty shoes and leave them my new ones. I never really minded if i remained a shadow that saved Gotham city "Proverbs 3:27-35. Never really saw myself as a hero until i noticed that i am always surrounded by either evil or people in need and my character moulded over time to be that of a protector and guardian and in event projects the focused, emotionally sensitive, complex, determined, and charismatic person that no one really saw until i decided not to hide any more. I would deliberately at times turn evil and all of a sudden they would say "but you aren't evil". I laugh and say, "do i need to become bad for people to suddenly realise i was good"?

I had lived in extreme cultural environments and surrounded by people who were envious, jealous, cruel, possessive and created those moments of extremity in my life. What brought this up today for me was an incident sometime ago. Someone told me that i am perceived as a spy. I laugh because those who were saying so were same people who were snooping around me for information about my business and person.

SO remember when you are looking at yourself or for yourself make sure it isn't through the eyes of others. Now i guess i have been thought how to be cruel but mostly to those who have been so to me. I am only human and i learn from others. Opposites attract they say, in this instant i would believe that some people piss you off to such a level that you can make their wildest dreams come true and through for your own sanity to prevail rather than carry their baggage.

Another Day In Paradise!

They say be careful for what you wish for you just might get it but could they keep it? 

They both wished upon a star. She wished to give love, he wished to find love. It came in a very unusual way; They weren't wrapped up in a box with a bow. HE sent down an angel in diguise to make his wish come tthrough and pushed her towards a broken heart. She was as transparent as broad day light and he was wearing a mask of a happy man.

She believed in the star, he didn't believe in the God he sent a prayer to. What would be the price to pay to make the wishes come through? All for Love!

Made of steel!

Seeing and hearing is believing; Say what is wanted and do what is needed!

Regardless of if we all think that God sees and knows everything, to hear yourself saying out what you had done or intend reveals and releases the hold of a mistake or deed on you. That's the power of confession!

We are who we are and accepting one another in flesh and its souls cravings is perfectly natural but not in a world that seeks to assassinate character in the being that seeks to find itself. The concept of Christ is yet to be adopted by a world full of self loathing.

For life and the living!

Sometimes cowardice can be seen as "I do not share your point of view." When there is a senseless act to be taken then cowardice is good reason! When one needs to stand up for something worth dying for and doesn't then issue a feather! I am watching a film called " The four feathers" and I see the situations that drive young people into stupid acts! If a country is attacked then as an officer one can make a decision to fight but when you are persuaded to kill for economic gains then that honour is stripped of automatically!

I guess in the military the order is different. For those generals who make a career in killing; to save lives would seem an act of cowardice! We civilians have a choice to be brave! He served his friends best by resigning his commission. Sometimes friends can lead you to slaughter; ego can be blinding.

• Proverbs 17:16 Why is there a price in the hand of a fool to buy wisdom, When he has no sense? 17 A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity. 18 A man lacking in sense pledges And becomes guarantor in the presence of his neighbour.…
• Proverbs 18:24 - One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Shall we Wed?

A dialogue in the film "Shall we Dance?" captured my mind.

 We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

What a wonderful way to put the sum up to a vow! May God be our witness!

Snow White!

Sometimes i wonder if all the great plays have already been written, especially by the hand of Shakespeare. Is there a way to beat him at his game? I was in search for a story that can fully depict the essence of love. I ask myself have i already lived it or is there one in store somewhere? In looking back i have come close, in looking forward i can not wait to see if it is possible for a heart like mine to still believe that it is possible. Ah Shakespeare give me your words for i have seen all of your plays; in them i see no comedy, in them i see tragedy as a way to make the readers experience what was. How can one in our days feel it? They say times don't change because people do not change. What if there is a love so strong that it can change someone and keep them safe? Its hard to believe in people and easy to believe in love. Should one infatuate a muse to fuel the adventures of the mind? Where do i start to amuse myself with heavenly dreams, where do i start to describe the face that i could love? The job of a writer isn't an easy one; to find words out of thin air? to feel what one hasn't experienced? To feel for a human and make him into a living God? How can he love me when he is not there? How can he love me when he isn't near? How does he capture my heart without actions? All these questions taunt the heart. Ah Romeo, where art thou Romeo? Is he slender or is he round? Does he smile or does he frown? Does he walk or does he drive? Is he a pauper or a prince? Have I infatuated a pauper to be a prince? The dreams of girls are endless, the realities of women are tragedies with moments of bliss. Let me try and tell a story of a girl i once knew who now turned into a woman i didn't recognise after 10 years.

We sat by the fire place sipping on wine and as we lit our cigarets, she told me her story. Her Name was Rose White! I wonder where she is now, i wonder if she has found love.

Rose: I often take myself for evening rides but this day something drew me away from my usual routine. I came home, i undressed and put on my usual homie clothes and all i wanted was to just lay there and wait for the next day to come. I sat on my bed but something kept pushing me up. I played my music but the uneasiness wouldn't go away. I took a shower to ease myself and still the feeling wouldn't go away. I dressed up, i looked at myself in the mirror and saw a glow in it. I remember that day as if it were today. I told myself that i would just take myself for a drive as i usually did to relax. My car is my best buddy. You know i often imagined myself to be the night Rider, have conversations about my day with my talking car and in that i would sooth the uneasiness as though being rocked like a baby to sleep. I used it to offload my mind from worries. But this day was different, i wasn't ok after the ride so i took myself to a bar nearby. I walked in, ordered for a Gin & Tonic. Someone approached and asked for my name. I felt an instant draw back. I paid my bill and left. On getting into my car i didn't feel like i wanted to go back to my room and thinking of where else to go on the friday night reluctantly went to another bar where my X boyfriend spent all his nights drinking to a stupor. You see Alsu i left him because he was a heavy drinker and we always had arguments about me not wanting to go there every night. What lead to our breakup was that I showed hesitation on one  occasion when I went to see my aunt and I didn't pick up his call because I wanted to think hard about what I was going through. He presumed I was with someone and that was the end if I may lightly put it affair! I was going through a hard time of moving from one town to the other and still hadn't found a permanent place to stay. He did offer me to stay with him but i was never comfortable as i didn't want to start a relationship by depending on anyone especially a man. I didn't want him to feel like i would take advantage of him and didn't want him to take advantage of my fragile state of circumstance.

Alsu: So what did you do, did you still go there?
Rose: Yes I did, that was the only place i felt a little more comfortable as there no one hassles a girl for attention, besides i was a friend to the owner of the bar, he would let me sit behind the bar and away from the night butterflies, as well as i could order a drink and pay latter. Of course my X was there but we had separated amicably and could exchange a few words of hello and how have you been. I always like to look at how people worked and see how they responded to pressure with customers and the bar was always noisy. After a few drinks i was just about going home when a tall broad shouldered man walked in and shook hands with the fellows i knew. I turned my head and couldn't help but smile as he had a glow of confidence and poise about him. He smiled back, i greened even wider. He showed me a thumbs up and after a moment approached.

We exchanged cheeky pleasantries. His friend John did give him a warning of some kind that my x boyfriend was present there. He told me later about it. He said he didn't listen as he felt that a few exchange of words wouldn't harm anyone! We had quite a lot to drink, then the three of us left to the Nightclub where i had initially been for a dance. We rocked the floor, danced all the alcohol out and headed for home! I had my own car and he followed me behind. I told myself what a gentle man for escorting me to the place of my stay . I parked my car and came outside to bid him a good night. There was nothing more on my mind than thanks for a pleasant evening and maybe a little wish that it could go farther. As i approached him he said he had 3kids and an x Wife and my reply reply was that it didn't matter! And it didn't matter because with what i saw in my life for 22 years couldn't in my mind begin to compare to what he was talking about! A divorcee wasn't a horrible judgement on anyone, things happen and i myself came from a broken home and never judged my parents for separating, in fact i thought it was the best option rather than making everyone miserable.

Over the next 2 weeks of us interacting and relaying our issues I identified his problems to be similar with that of my father! On one occasion when he blamed everything on his x wife I recollect telling myself that "everyone blames the other for what went wrong, I said life will tell a better story. He then proceeded to introduce me to his friends and family! Everything seemed ok! We made love like there was no tomorrow. We could speak on phone for hours. It drove my colleagues mad with jealousy. Every-time my phone would ring they would roll their eyes. Every friday to monday morning we would be together and then he would take me home. The city was so big and where we stayed from each other was quite a distance across the broklin bridge. I didn't know the route to his place but he would come pick me up and take me back when it was time to go to work.

Alsu: You must have been happy!
Rose: Oh yes. i couldn't breathe without thinking of him. I wasn't aware of any fear nor obstacles. At the time no pride nor prejudice existed then in my heart. It was almost his birthday and its at that point some realities kicked in. I realised that we had been so happy that neither of us asked how old we were. I would presume now that he did see me young but i never questioned his age as he didn't look it. He seemed to me at the time to be somewhere around 38 i didn't know he was 12 years older than me. He never looked old, he still doesn't.

The problems started from the night when he took me to a club for a dance and drink and there were thugs; younger guys who felt they owned the world and everyone was theirs to have. They harassed us, groped me In front of him and he did nothing to protect me to a level where I had to take charge or things would have escalated beyond measure and it did, but i couldn't not stand up for myself or i would have lost any confidence in me! I had been totally naive about the mindset of guys when it comes to envy because I walked in their midst but never as a gal but a buddy because i was a tom boy and could always give guys a run for their wits. When we came back he began to apologise, how ever what came out from him were the words "maybe we should date for about 3 -4 years and see if we are compatible! I told him that should we date for more than a year and we didn't know where we were heading to, that we best cut it off there and then! He said nothing and about 3 weeks later said he loved me. To which I made no reciprocation but only said "I really don't know anything about love" he was the first guy ever to have said that to me and I think I was not expecting it!

Alsu: But did you eventually reciprocate?
Rose: Yes i did. I needed to ease myself into it because i didn't want to play with him nor myself and committing to what i didn't know. Sincerely after the incident at the nightclub i was a bit scared of its true meaning.

At some point I decided to open up to him about me, first I invited him to see where I lived! I lived in one of the houses in the slums of Queens. On the outside the house looked habitable but what was on the inside is what many who didn't live there didn't realise was! It was a building that someone who knew someoene I knew inherited from his parents and turned It into a temporary place to lay your head until one could afford to rent a decent apartment, which I didn't have at the time! I came into this town with less than what i could rent and a job that I found at the time! I didn't know a soul nor were there realtors and honestly i couldn't afford their fees! I quartered for a week at a time in different places, slept in my car parked in parking lots when the persons who i stayed with would try take advantage of me being in a vulnerable state of affairs!

Time went by and I met every friend, I felt everything was ok and on! I had issues at work where a subordinate of mine and the executive had a fight and i didnt realise at the time that it was a projection of what was going on behind closed doors! I had to intervene and resolve the matter and when I came close to knowing the truth I was asked to leave! I lost my job and fell into despair! However I kept savings that would last me for about 6 months and my brother supported me! So I needed to recuperate! During that period I had gone to the place I stayed and was put at gun point! The people who were around were the night butterflies who literarily saved me from being violated and said I should stay way for a time!

I started being interrogated by him about why I lost my job and clearly because I didn't know the exact reason became agitated and I sort of expected that all he would say is dont worry there would be another one. He distanced himself and I felt rejected and that plunged me further into dispair! I had no qualification but skills, I couldn't really hope for getting a job easy!

I had to be around him for about 2 months in isolation, the guy with the spark in his eyes diapered and words like "I don't need a woman to serve me" when I would cook a meal would surface! I wish I knew why I didn't at all those moments turn around and left or best put the plate on his head! To some reason he believed that it's because I was looking to hang on him! See Alsu this is the reason i never wanted to stay in any of my boyfriends apartment because i never wanted to be labeled with their fear and loose respect for myself but i loved this man. Even till this day I never took a penny from anyone or from a man. He didnt see I had no one but him and returning back was as good as being dead, for me then to accept failure was hard, i couldn't give up on myself. I had lost my job before due to redundancy, the company i worked for had shut down and retired everyone. I picked myself up.


Time passed by and things between us seemed to get better but it was never the same as i had been constantly aware of the cloud that i was not perfect in his eyes anymore.

Alsu: SO what now?

Rose: I left, i couldn't struggle anymore with myself and loose the love i had for him. I preferred to  leave in peace and move on with my life as though it didn't happen. I will keep him alive in my heart, than see it become what we both could not live with later.

Alsu: I guess it is what should have happened at best!

On leaving Rose Whites house i couldn't help but send a prayer to her to be well and find love again. Maybe this is best and need not go further than it did. Sometimes one should keep the love and leave life to its own rather than loosing out to both.